occultatio (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
occultatio) wrote2004-07-28 05:10 pm
occultatio) wrote2004-07-28 05:10 pm
Because I've always wanted to post an entry from work.
My job, don't get me wrong, is pretty sweet. It's desk work, 9 to 5, five days a week, and I get to use my own laptop on their internet connection. And occasionally, like today, they'll put me in an office where my monitor faces the window, so I get to spend most of the day goofing off and reading cool stuff like Transmet or Watchmen or about stupid customers. The people in the office are mostly cool, though there's a couple of them who are clearly still mystified by why on earth this tiny company needs a summer intern, even an unpaid one. Needless to say, it is always and only when these people walk by that I am, say, glancing out the window and stretching, taking a big ol' bite out of a doughnut, or even sipping on the remainder of my drink from lunch (one guy's expression was clearly, "It's three in the afternoon, and you're still eating?"). I figure, hey, screw it, I get my work done before I goof off, and hey, you shouldn't even know I'm goofing off at all. Sorry if my metabolism is just too fast for you to deal with, hey yo.
Irritating though the skeptical glances are, they don't really contribute to any sense of dissatisfaction. No, the one thing that I really can't take about this office is the bathroom.
The bathroom isn't actually inside the office, you see--it's out in the hallway of the main building, shared by half the offices on this floor. And it has the worst layout possible, as I will attempt to display in horrible ASCII art:
_______________
| u U | __<-D (U = urinal, D = door)
| | |
|_________|
See, the way this works is, you come in through the door, and do a big turn around the wall to the right, coming up against the first urinal. Works out great, except that, if someone's already there, you can't see until you've practically rammed into their back. Should this be the case, you find yourself off-balance, and you've got to quickly choose between a few options. There is a second urinal, but it holds the twin disadvantages of being right next to the occupied one, with only a thin divider in between, and also about two feet lower down.
Consider this: There are only two urinals in this bathroom, and one is kiddie-sized.
THIS IS IN AN OFFICE BUILDING.
WHO DID THEY THINK WAS GOING TO NEED A KIDDIE URINAL?
In any event. If you decide not to accept the societal and physical awkwardness of the second slot, you can either duck into one of the two stalls (not shown in the diagram), or wander on over to the sinks, as though you made a wrong turn. On the whole, the sinks are your better bet, because you can just stall by rinsing your face or something equally useless until the guy has finished his business. There will, needless to say, be some other random idiot brushing and flossing his teeth at the one good sink, but you can make do at one of the others for the five minutes it will inevitably take.
It is not always so easy to be so cool under pressure, however. Today, for example, I walked in and did the classic spin-almost-into-his-back maneuver. I was startled, but coping, until I noticed that this guy's hands were both firmly on his hips. Ladies, if there is any confusion: this is not how you pee standing up. I started idly wondering whether this guy was the cause of the recurring disgustingness on the floor while trying to decide what to do, when my ears decided to point out that he was quite clearly mouth-breathing. This was just too much awkwardness to cope with, and so without thinking I walked into the handicapped stall and locked the door.
The stupidity of this began rearing its head almost instantly. See, I could always just go in the bowl, but then he'd hear the splashing, and he'd know that I deliberately chose to go in and use a toilet simply to avoid using the urinal next to him. I mean, I know it's a retarded neurosis/social conditioning, but it's still not something you want to put out in the open like that. No, I'd have to pretend otherwise. I would have to... sit down... on a public... toilet...
Ah, crap.
I hear a low grunt from outside.
Well, everybody has to make sacrifices.
I tear off a hunk of toilet paper, and begin gingerly wiping the seat down. I'm really not looking forward to this, but at the last moment I am saved: I hear a zipping noise, and then he walks out of the bathroom. Without washing his hands. Although, come to think of it...
Irritating though the skeptical glances are, they don't really contribute to any sense of dissatisfaction. No, the one thing that I really can't take about this office is the bathroom.
The bathroom isn't actually inside the office, you see--it's out in the hallway of the main building, shared by half the offices on this floor. And it has the worst layout possible, as I will attempt to display in horrible ASCII art:
_______________
| u U | __<-D (U = urinal, D = door)
| | |
|_________|
See, the way this works is, you come in through the door, and do a big turn around the wall to the right, coming up against the first urinal. Works out great, except that, if someone's already there, you can't see until you've practically rammed into their back. Should this be the case, you find yourself off-balance, and you've got to quickly choose between a few options. There is a second urinal, but it holds the twin disadvantages of being right next to the occupied one, with only a thin divider in between, and also about two feet lower down.
Consider this: There are only two urinals in this bathroom, and one is kiddie-sized.
THIS IS IN AN OFFICE BUILDING.
WHO DID THEY THINK WAS GOING TO NEED A KIDDIE URINAL?
In any event. If you decide not to accept the societal and physical awkwardness of the second slot, you can either duck into one of the two stalls (not shown in the diagram), or wander on over to the sinks, as though you made a wrong turn. On the whole, the sinks are your better bet, because you can just stall by rinsing your face or something equally useless until the guy has finished his business. There will, needless to say, be some other random idiot brushing and flossing his teeth at the one good sink, but you can make do at one of the others for the five minutes it will inevitably take.
It is not always so easy to be so cool under pressure, however. Today, for example, I walked in and did the classic spin-almost-into-his-back maneuver. I was startled, but coping, until I noticed that this guy's hands were both firmly on his hips. Ladies, if there is any confusion: this is not how you pee standing up. I started idly wondering whether this guy was the cause of the recurring disgustingness on the floor while trying to decide what to do, when my ears decided to point out that he was quite clearly mouth-breathing. This was just too much awkwardness to cope with, and so without thinking I walked into the handicapped stall and locked the door.
The stupidity of this began rearing its head almost instantly. See, I could always just go in the bowl, but then he'd hear the splashing, and he'd know that I deliberately chose to go in and use a toilet simply to avoid using the urinal next to him. I mean, I know it's a retarded neurosis/social conditioning, but it's still not something you want to put out in the open like that. No, I'd have to pretend otherwise. I would have to... sit down... on a public... toilet...
Ah, crap.
I hear a low grunt from outside.
Well, everybody has to make sacrifices.
I tear off a hunk of toilet paper, and begin gingerly wiping the seat down. I'm really not looking forward to this, but at the last moment I am saved: I hear a zipping noise, and then he walks out of the bathroom. Without washing his hands. Although, come to think of it...
Awwwww
Anyway, the story was cute, and the design of the bathroom is terrible.
Off to bed!
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